Wednesday, September 19, 2012

What a pheo feels like

Life with a pheo and or a para is quite a journey. I hope and wish that no-one ever has to live with one in their body . How do you know if your sick? I've had a headache for over 30 yrs. Sometimes they are blinding, puke til you feel like your skull is going to burst, sit naked on the shower floor, with the water as hot as you can get it and pray to die headaches. Other days the pain feels like an old fashioned too small swimming cap is compressing my brain. Some days it feels as if the two halves of my brain have been separated. Sometimes if the headache goes away the next day I am afraid to move because I feel fragile, like an almost cracked egg and I don't want to move for fear a aggravating it again. Bright lights and sunshine bring on headaches, weather changes, loud noises, certain foods, certain noises.
Nothing beats heat radiating off of you from your belly button to the top of your head. Oh by the way from your navel down you are cold. I need to pee every 20 minutes. Not really but my bladder says gotta go, but its on /off switch doesn't work, but you go and try anyway cause if you don't in a half an hour your going to feel like there is barbed wire in your bladder and that little twinkle is not going anywhere until those muscles relax which may take away cause your bladder feels like you are holding a gallon and the next rest area is 75 miles away.
Anxiety and adrenaline, you bet. I hate being around people, not that I hate you, its just that some things you may say cause such an intense physical emotion response that I am afraid that if you push the wrong buttons, I may just tear you head off. Some people just don't know when to shut up and walk away and feel the need to push their point. I'm like the cartoon guy that has the red needle going up as he is getting angry. First my heart starts pounding and my body starts to go really tense. I can feel my torso tightening and my neck and shoulders are as hard as rocks and it climbs up my neck and across the top of my head. I cant control these physical feelings. Im going to worry about every little thing. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like a ticking time bomb. Sleep, who needs it, who wants to stay up and keep me company for the 3-4 days that I only sleep soundly for 2-3 hours. In these 3-4 days you better just keep your distance cause I'm gonna be in a mood. I'm tired, my body hurts, every single joint, from my ankles up. My neck is on fire and all of those joints are filled with broken glass. I'm sad. I hate me for being a bitch and I hate you cause you dont understand what its like with this stranger in my body. My brain never shuts up because I feel guilty about how I let you make me feel. or I feel guilty wondering about how my responses made you feel. I'm really not nuts, I just have a pheo.
I don't work like a dog to impress you. I have to be physically busy as a constructive way to put this adrenaline to work. If I don't work it off here and end up dead tired my body will twitch and jump all night long if I'm lucky enough to sleep.
Everyone is familiar with the flight or fight response. Think about how you felt the last time it happened to you . My body goes thru this countless times a day be it with a rude person in line in front of me or almost asleep in the chair. I've even woken up from a deep sleep with all of these physical responses surging thru my body.
It feels like a heart attack, pain, tightness, shooters down my left arm, left sided jaw pain. My heart is beating on a good day at 110 beats per minute, but it feels about the size of a grapefruit and it is jumping and twisting and then it stops, it beats so hard and so fast that once it resumes a normal pattern it feels like it quit beating altogether.
My vision is questionable. Some days I can see, other days not too well and that varies through out the day. I love the sun, but the bothers my eyes so I wear sun glasses all yr long.