Friday, October 5, 2012

more about dying

More thoughts on dying. I don't think I am hung up on a dying streak. Dying is just fore front in my thoughts recently. I guess those thoughts are normal and to be expected. It has been a week with thoughts of death. I have come to the hard decision that it is time to put my favorite horse down. Not today but in the next week or so.

I am on an online support group for people and their caregivers with pheochromocytoma. It is other people just like me living and sometimes dying because of this crappy illness. Most of the time most of are living as well as can be expected with this. There are always a few wonderful people that are getting treatment and doing what they can do to win the battle this time. Some are winning, others are holding steady and others are losing.

I love talking and reading about the treatments they are getting and talking about side effects and various medical knowledge that can be learned from interacting with other people going through this. Even if it is something as simple as another person on the same medications and same side effects but their doctor told them to incease their salt intake because the medicine makes you sodium deficient and by increasing your salt eliminates the muscle cramps. It is great just to find another group of people going through the same thing as I am and to know that they know exactly how you feel.

Sometimes though, we lose someone. It hurts. I don't know this family and would not know them passing them on the street but knowing that they have lost the battle hurts as much as if they were my next door neighbor. My heart breaks for them and for the rest of us fighting this. I wish I had a way of lessening the pain and grief for these families yet I know that nothing but time will do that and even time never completely heals the pain of losing a close loved one. I don't know how the rest of the group feels and will never ask if they feel the same loss of hope everytime each of us finally loses our battle. I wonder if the thought goes through anyone else's mind " Which one of is next? " It is sad and scary to be a bystander because sooner or later it will be my turn to be the one that is dying.

I go through survivor guilt each and everytime. Most of the people passing away are a bit younger than me that still have children at home,are active members in their communities and churches. They have lots of loving, caring families. Their dying is going to leave terrible voids in peoples lives and will change the families lives forever.
I am one of the older members of the group and close to being one of the ones who have had this illness for the longest amount of time. Each time one of these younger people die I wonder why I am still here