Monday, October 15, 2012

why is goodbye so hard

Why are goodbyes so hard? I've made the appointment to have the vet come out and euthanize Mr. Captn Crunch. I have lined up a man with a back hoe. It is a decision I have been struggling with for most of the summer. That decision still does not set well in my mind. I have never been one to make that decision for any of my pets easily but I have never struggled with one this hard.

I am sure I will be fine once it is done with but right now I am a mess over it. All of the pets that I have had euthanized were ill and there was no chance of recovery for them and the decision came after medical treatment with little recovery and it was a matter of speeding up death and preventing pain. He is very old and thin and a bit disoriented sometimes. But when he sees dinner coming he can really hustle to the barn. Common sense says that winter is coming and it will be a royal pain if he should happen to die in the barn.

I have been present during this with my other pets. I have had the misfortune of being present at other barns twice for other peoples horses. One horse was already down and the other had colic. I don't know if I want to be here for this. Part of me feels I need to see this through and be there til its over and the other part doesn't want the memory of it.

All three of them know something is up. Miss Nosey is being a super suck up and really affectionate. She keeps following me through the field and everytime I stop she puts her her forehead on my knee. If I ignore her she head butts my elbow. She has also taken up giving me big dramatic sighs. This is so out of character for her. If I go out to my thinking stump, she follows me and wants to play shake. Normally with her it is a battle just to catch her. The big guy is being really mellow also. No high tailing it around the field lately or playing scared you, where he runs in circles around me then looks back to see if he scared me. He just hangs out close by and if he sees me looking his way, he gives me his biggest Tiger Woods smile.

I spent most of this evening giving Mr. Captn Crunch a really good grooming. I spent a good hour on his tail. I braided up a large piece and cut it off. Normally I wash and condition his tail before I do I deep brush out. This time I didn't because I want to keep it as it is. I wish I could figure out a way to bottle his horse small. All horses smell like horse, but each horse has their own smell also.

He knows something is going on. Any other time if I am feeling down he is always the one to let me stand in front of him and wrap my arms around his neck and bury my face under his mane and cry until I can't cry any more. Tonight after he was brushed out and he had ate all of the peppermints out of my pockets he tuned his back to me. He used his nose to push his stall door open then pushed me out.

Last night I went to my favorite search engine and typed in " How to find Joy ". The second item that showed up was from a site with " all creatures " in the address. The vet I use works out of All Creatures office. The author of the article was talking about chickadees. I have a few bird feeders outside and most of the visitors to it are chickadees. I read the article and at the bottom near the credits were links about whether pets go to heaven. I like to think that if pets bring us this much joy in life, that it would only make sense that there is a place in heaven for them also. I guess I'll find out about that later in life.